Seven deadly sins

Last updated: 2nd February 2010

While enjoying the Ten Deadly Sins breakfast at Simpsons Hotel on the Strand and perusing the latest issue of Viz, which I had cunningly hidden inside my copy of the Times, I almost choked on a lamb's kidney reading of Suicidal Sid's latest demise at the hands of Tiger Woods.

To be factually accurate Sid was run over by Woods with Elin chasing behind with a golf club! If you'd told me just two months ago he would be a figure of fun is such places, as well as making the front page of the tabloids on a daily basis, I would have told you to seek help.

If you went on to tell me that Tiger Woods missed one of his favourite haunts on the PGA Tour at Torrey Pines (where he has won seven times including a US Open) because he was receiving help in a sex clinic in Mississippi I would have had you committed.

Shaking my head I continued to make my way through breakfast when I realised there are actually only seven deadly sins in Christian theology - gluttony, wrath, greed, sloth, envy, pride and lust.

Thomas Aquinas even prepared a list of ways to commit gluttony, including: Praepropere (eating too soon), Laute (eating too expensively), Nimis (eating too much) and Ardenter (eating too eagerly).

Considering the rate I consumed the Cumberland sausage, streaky and back bacon, Stornoway black pudding, fried mushrooms, baked tomato & Egg (Fried), lamb kidney, fried bread, bubble & squeak and baked beans at a cost of £20.50 I don't think even OJ Simpson's lawyers could get me a off a charge of guilty for gluttony.

Wrath also known as anger or rage is often described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger.

Anyone who is an ardent football fan will have experienced uncontrolled feelings of hatred watching opposing players in a local derby. If you've had a great round of golf derailed by a loose shot you have more than likely been guilty of wrath.

Greed also known as avarice or covetousness is generally applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth status and power. Not guilty 'me lord' unless buying a lottery ticket counts then we're all pretty much done for.

Sloth in the modern view refers to laziness and avoidance of physical work. I feel sorry for the slow moving animal that goes by the same name and sleeps up to 18 hours at a time as they are probably going straight to hell.

After breakfast I went home and had an early afternoon siesta (to which I'm quite partial) so I'll probably be seeing the fury little animal as some point.

Those who commit the sin of envy resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it.

I'm envious of Tiger's putting stroke, Mickelson's flop shot, Quiros's length off tee and so the list goes on and so does my guilt.

Pride or Vanity is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others and excessive love of self. I've got a few looking glasses (known more commonly as mirrors) at home and if that counts I'll give up any thoughts of a meeting with St Peter.

Lust is usually described as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature. No point covering the last as I plead guilty on a daily if not hourly basis and this looks like the one that got Tiger.

I just hope the clinic he's attending isn't influenced by Dante's Purgatorio where the penitent walks within flames to purge himself of lustful/sexual thoughts and feelings. Although I gather the treatment doesn't include a slow weaning off process.

The fact is we are all guilty and as Rocco Mediate said, "We all make boo boos. I look in the mirror (looking glass) and I don't see perfect."

Watching a host of players struggling down the stretch at Torrey Pines last weekend I remembered how much I miss Tiger and seeing the steely nerve of champion.

I just hope he comes back sooner rather than later and although he has some explaining to do I trust people will remember we're not perfect and allow him to get on and play golf.