I'm a Golfer Get Me Out of Here!

By Matt Cooper Last updated: 30th November 2009

I've been watching the latest series of I'm a Celebrity this week, the jungle-based reality television show that makes, ruins or re-invigorates the careers of celebrities.

The programme has been successfully franchised right across the world and sports stars have quite a knack of doing well in it.

American decathlete Bruce Jenner, Hungarian Olympic gold medal winning swimmer Attila Czene and Swedish footballer Kennet Andersson have all taken part, whilst English cricketer Phil Tufnell and Tour de France cyclist Richard Virenque have both been winners.

It got me wondering which golfers would thrive in the jungle - and that led me to get completely carried away with an entire line-up of I'm a Celebrity golfers ...

Colin Montgomerie: the classic case of the celebrity going into the jungle to re-invent himself - the perfect opportunity to cast aside all suggestions of self-obsession and reveal a gentler side. Once said to resemble "a bulldog licking piss off a nettle" which might give the producers all sorts of ideas for a bush tucker trial.

John Daly: an equally classic case of the celebrity going to the jungle for redemption. He'd also love the opportunity to pull his guitar out to sing 'All my Exes Wear Rolexes' round the campfire. Someone would have to explain, however, that, on this occasion at least, the Australian men hiding in the trees with cameras are perfectly entitled to zoom in and capture the action.

Gary Player: every season of I'm a Celeb needs a more experienced hand to offer persistent and paternal advice to the idle youngsters. And who in the world golf would be more suited for the role than Mr. Crunch himself? I can see it now: an early morning mist, the other campers still in their hammocks, the cameras panning around the camp, and there Gary is - stripped to the waist, completing 1,000 crunches before breakfast and getting ready to drop a few hints to the others that they should join him next morning.

Christina Kim: Feisty, indomitable and ready to take on any challenge, Kim would split the voters completely - some would love her, others she would drive berserk. But you could guarantee they'd want to watch her progress. Would make a startlingly good trial contestant with loud and boisterous commentaries of her own plight.

Natalie Gulbis: Personally I'd go for Paula Creamer (I'm tickled by the idea of her earnestly taking on the challenges), but I've got to think like a producer and the hottest girl ticket in golf is Gulbis. If you've seen the photos of her warming up before a round you only need to think three words: the waterfall shot.

Anna Rawson: Thinking with my producer's hat on again, I plump for Rawson ahead of Maria Verchenova. Rawson scores in two places the Russian doesn't: 1. She lives in LA so has a bit of Hollywood glamour (and possibly gossip) and 2. She's forthright and full of opinions so there is potential for some tension and/or arguments with the other campers.

Ian Poulter: Scores on all sorts of levels, not least the fact that he likes to talk and he's got opinions. How would he get on with Monty? What would happen to his hair? Solid in the trials, I suspect, and given the way he helped Justin Rose in the early days, I reckon he'd be useful if anyone starts getting low or homesick. Loves his family; I'd make him favourite to win the housewife's vote and become King of the Jungle.

Chris Evert: Don't tell me it wouldn't happen. The programme won't happen - it's a figment of my imagination! I was going to get Greg in as well, but that's stretching credibility too far. And anyway, I don't want to cramp Chrissie's style - we need some romance in the jungle.

Nick Faldo: Would bring plenty to the jungle: lots of stories, plenty of tabloid hell to discuss when it gets dark, a solid relationship with Poulter, a questionable one with Monty, the one-liners and, let's not pretend I haven't thought about it, an eye for the ladies. And never would the Harrison Ford resemblance have been more appropriate. Famously said he loved the press from the "heart of his bottom" - another idea for the bushtucker trials.

Anthony Kim: The tension between Player and Anthony Kim would make for electric television: the senior citizen who has lived his life by moderation versus the young superstar who only knows excess. Anthony also had a minor dust-up with Ian Poulter at the Ryder Cup - chances are that they would have a good chat about it down by the creek and find themselves bonding in no time. But would Anthony be quite so pleased when, in the second week, we introduced ...

Robert Allenby: Famous for putting. Not putting the ball in the hole but putting his foot in his mouth. This year, of course, he lost to Kim in the President's Cup and then told the world his opponent was a drunk who had been out until all hours the night before. (Note to editors: we need viewers to vote for the pair of them to complete a nauseous drinking-game-come-bush tucker-trial.)

Laura Davies: Every I'm a Celeb needs a down to earth character who views the conceits and absurdities of her fellow campers with the disdain they deserve. And no-one would play that role better than Laura Davies. I can think of nothing better than watching her take on a task with someone who over-thinks and complicates the mission; the chances are that Laura would have completed the task whilst the other celeb was still talking to the camera about it. The more I think about it, the better I like it. The only problem is that she'd be the favourite to walk out (because of the sheer tedium of it).

Matt Cooper